Learning how to fit into a society with crippling anxiety is draining , somedays every thought it consumed by your other self who whispers irrational ideas in your head , creates paranoia and self doubt.
Anxiety is not what society typically describes as your panic attack scenario, it creeps out in other ways, you can forget who your true self is when your anxiety infests your brain like a parasite.
Some people have anxiety due to trauma , some people have anxiety that comes along with depression, some people suffer with it every day and some may suffer from anxiety for just one day.
It is different for every indiviual.
They tell you “do breathing exercises , eat healthier , get to bed early and don’t drink caffeine” you can invest all the time in the world reading self help books, meditate , exercise and stay away from negative people.
You know you can improve your anxiety but its there for life it may come to stay for just a while then leave again. You can feel so alone all your friends are moving forward they have their lives under control but what about mine?
You feel guilty that you have no reason to feel this way, your life is good and you should be grateful for all you have.
You make your self ill with worry and your body listens , your immune system is low and you are exhausted from the insomnia.
This is how I often feel , I know their are other young people like me and I hope just expressing how it feels to be suffering from anxiety alleviates you when you feel alone.
I have quit two job’s because the environment was not helping my mental health , I have gone without money because I know my sanity is more important.
My big step to recovery is excepting that this is who I am , I except I cannot work in certain environments, I except that working long hours does not benefit me, I except that I need help and support from professionals and I am very lucky to have the support from my partner, family and friends.
My next step is finding the Job that will save me from my own anxiety disorder.
9 years in November, don’t ask us what date it was because we have forgotten it!
We made up a date for the 23rd of November a couple of years back just so we can celebrate it, we don’t really celebrate anything else properly not valentines day nor birthdays as big as our anniversary.
We met at school in maths, growing up together my partner always knew who he was within himself, full of confidence and didn’t care about being judged.
Me I didn’t want to be judged by no-one I would just do and say what everyone else was doing, smoking yep I’d do that if they were, drinking , I would lie to Niall alot you know your typical teenager stuff.
moving on fast forwarding to only a couple of years ago (I’m feeling 22 haha) my partner was living with his dad and step mum and I lived with my Mum and dad.
We both had a chat and decided to open a joint savings account we sat there and calculated if we put this amount in a month each it will take us 5 years to save for a deposit while living at home, it seems like a long time but we were excited. Off to the bank we went and we put our first 150 pounds each in.
We got to about 2 grand after about 6 months I was studying and working at the same time on low wages and he worked full time so for us this was great.
Than my partner recieved the bad news his dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer.
The prognosis wasn’t good he had approximately 5-8 weeks to live he only lasted 5 weeks. He passed away at home.
Everything was so different from then on for them, I couldn’t imagine the pain that him and his sister were feeling.
All I could do was just be there for them even if it was in silence we would all go to a cafe just sit ,think and stare into space.
For me his family was my family I had grown up with them, unfortunately all he really had left was his sister, grandad and a few family members who lived miles away on the isle of wight.
My partner and his sister didn’t always see eye to eye with their step mum, either did I at times, most the time things were kept neutral but once his father passed things changed. after 3-4 weeks tension built and his sister was chucked out with no where to go, they hadn’t even gone back to work yet.
He couldn’t leave his sister chucked out while he lived cosy and warm in his room around his step mum, it didn’t sit right with his morals.
What they have achieved since.
Niall moved in with me and my parents and his sister Dee luckily had a good friend to take her in. The money was lost that we saved so we started fresh.
You could say they have been dragged through the bushes backwards but they have come out the other end a stronger person.
Niall works so hard his best friend has given him an apprenticeship in mechanics that is keeping him busy, he previously worked at a auction house and has got a license to ride a motorbike. My dad and himself have a great bond and spend hours in the garden pottering about in the shed, we recently got engaged and we are saving to move out again.
We have a great relationship with his sister Dee she comes round to visit me and my mum often for dinner , we always make time to see each other chatting about future weddings, babies and our dogs. All three of us travel to the isle of Wight to visit their Grandad often and Dee has recently got excepted into university for adult Nursing.
Dee runs for charity in memory of her father she has raised a lot of money for the hospice her father wanted to spend his last days at but sadly didn’t make it.
To me family is so important don’t wait till you lose a loved one to realise it, in a way the passing of my father in-law has pulled us all together, we all appreciate each other more, every day is a blessing. They have both made amazing achievements I am so proud of them both.
This is only a story about how I observed the passing of my father in-law I hope to one day write about it from their words and how they remember the event and coped with the loss of their father.
This blog was going to be about me and Niall but as I sit here writing about us I realised that the event taken place in his life had also effected us as a couple, everyone has an impact on your life that you may not even know about, it has transformed us into an unbreakable couple and family.
Although sadly Mike will miss the big achievements his children will make would they follow the path they are following today if he was beside them.
I believe the change in their mind set has given them opportunity to make these achievements, the saying of “you got nothing to lose” does apply to their life.
In Loving memory of a great father who enjoyed his holidays in the sun, loved his beer, football and a hot curry.